There are constant
and inevitable reminders of the fact that, yes, all of this really
happened.
My body is scarred
and in several places grossly misshapen.
My girls know a lot about cancer for their own good and I realised that although I had grown comfortable with discussing cancer at times unaware of them in ear shot. There are medical bills that regularly remind us of what impacts on us as a family and I still need seizure medication as I have a scarring on my brain from previous surgery and regular appointments, scans, bloods and the unknown is there. I can’t forget these things. I feel guilty that I brought cancer into our family and my heart breaks when I see how much it effects and places pressure on Lisa. She is a strong, amazing and resilient person……however my guilt is tearing at me by bringing cancer into her life and our girls. No one deserves this, especially my wife and three girls.
My girls know a lot about cancer for their own good and I realised that although I had grown comfortable with discussing cancer at times unaware of them in ear shot. There are medical bills that regularly remind us of what impacts on us as a family and I still need seizure medication as I have a scarring on my brain from previous surgery and regular appointments, scans, bloods and the unknown is there. I can’t forget these things. I feel guilty that I brought cancer into our family and my heart breaks when I see how much it effects and places pressure on Lisa. She is a strong, amazing and resilient person……however my guilt is tearing at me by bringing cancer into her life and our girls. No one deserves this, especially my wife and three girls.
Being reminded that
cancer was in our life reoccurred once more. The past month has been brutal,
emotional draining and sitting in limbo is an easy way of describing it.
After my routine 3
monthly CT scan, it revealed that my only tumour that has been in my body for a
few months, in the lymph nodes near my right lung had grown from 1.3cm to
2.6cm. This was it……time to remove this sucker….my oncologist decide to get
this removed. My hesitation was evident, another surgery, recovery and time in
hospital away from my family.
Lisa and I met with
the surgeon, I truly went in thinking 'open me up and cut the sucker out and
clearing me of melanoma once and for all'. He needed to cut small piece of rib,
access the tumour and take it, along with the top lobe of my right lung. This
would see me lose 10% of my lung capacity. This truly messed with my head. The
surgeon organised for me to have a PET scan to determine the exact size of the
tumour and how close it was to my lung.
The reminder was
here……I get scananxiety with all scans, but PET scans are the worst anxiety of
them all.
In reality the PET
scan was perfect timing, as the results revealed a NEW 1.3mm size tumour in my
Adrenal Gland near my left Kidney.
My oncologist and surgeon
reassessed things as a result of the latest scan results, it was decided to not
have surgery and start a new treatment…..Keytruda.
It was now a new word
and immunotherapy treatment I needed to learn about……..learning more about what
was about to happen once again, educating Lisa and I on melanoma’s new immunotherapy
treatment once again….extending our oncology education
and vernacular.
The relief of not
having surgery was good, however, it then reaffirmed that Dabrafenib was no
longer working and my body had worked out a way of beating the drug to bring
back the cancer. Knowing that I have options out there is very good and well,
but it still resonates that I have incurable cancer…… you then question;
"Will I see my girls
grow up and achieve all the things in life that I wish for them?”
"Will Lisa and I grow
old together?"
"How will the family
cope with all of this?"
Dabrafenib had been
my “miracle” for just under 3 years, longer than what specialists thought it
would last.
Keytruda was a new
treatment and now on the Government PBS. For me it involves spending an hour,
every three weeks having an IV placed in my arm for the hour and then life as normal for the day….side effects listed included: the usual, rash, stomach
complaints, fevers, constipation, fatigue and hair loss.
One week in I was
feeling ok…..none of the mentioned side effects had occurred, however bruising
and pain in the kidney area near the tumour….the worst pain I have felt…..What
keytruda does is boost your T-Cells (immune cells) to hit and target the
cancer/tumours…..apparently it inflames them and they get angry. I am hoping
this is what is happening.
My pain could only be
controlled with Panadol or strong panadine….not Anti-inflammatory meds.
Fatigue was kicking
in….I have kept working full time, however my passion to cycle and desire to
cycle 220km a week has taken a back seat…..this is a different sort of
pain…..to miss the bike and physical exercise is an emotional toll on me. I love riding, but love it even more with mates that keep me riding hard and mates who get my bike back on the road to fitness and recovery.
Whether it is cold, wet or foggy, I love it.
Whether it is cold, wet or foggy, I love it.
After the second week
since treatment my pain was managed and I didn’t feel as bad. It is a dose
every three weeks for two years. Fingers crossed it does its job.
Before all of these
dramas that melanoma and cancer brought into our life….. the weeks before were
full of family birthdays and time of celebrating.
Kalita turned 7, and I turned 41…..and it was on my birthday that the oncologist rang with the news that spread in disease has occurred. We even attended a Disney on Ice Concert as a family during the school holiday.
Kalita turned 7, and I turned 41…..and it was on my birthday that the oncologist rang with the news that spread in disease has occurred. We even attended a Disney on Ice Concert as a family during the school holiday.
The girls are all
doing well and Lisa is somehow keeping everything in order.
I am working hard
with the new job, meeting the new challenges with excitement and it is still an
amazing job. On this note, CompNow who; I work for have been very supportive of
what we are going through. The travel is long but very rewarding, I do miss the family when I am away.
Cancer makes
everything real…..I have moments when I think about the next phase of a life
without cancer…..I visualize life without all of this and my health being 150%
normal. The girls growing up and graduating from primary, secondary school and
me walking each one of them down the aisle at their weddings, Lisa and I growing
old, and somehow I maintain my cycling to complete more Tour De Cure rides to
raise money for cancer research.
Hoping we have a light at the end filled with positivity.
REMEMBER TO HUG YOUR LOVED ONE'S XXX
